Sunday, July 11, 2004
hi.
so dang, been going out a lot lately. there always seems a reason to, at least recently, with all the birthdays and what not. and overall, it's been a really good time. it's a nice change from sitting around the apartment like a bum. not to say that i don't do that during the day on the weekend or when i'm done with class or what not. lately i've been all about the HGTV/trading spaces stuff for some reason. not to say that i don't watch the show ('cause i do), but i'm on this 'iwanttogetmyownapartmentanddeckitout' kick. if not that, then re-do my room at home. with parental fundage of course. otherwise, i'd much rather put the money elsewhere. anyway.
so back to going out. it's been a good time since i have dabbed into going out with people i haven't necessarily gone out with for like...a semester. and it felt really really good. especially yesterday, i really got a sense of how distant i had become to the people that meant a lot to me freshman year...and even first semester of last year. and for the first time i started to get this sense of reciprocation of feelings...like they actually missed me being around. which is nice. really nice actually. a big part of me actually considering deactivating was not because of my distance from the house and what not (granted that whole situation really played a big part in pushing me in that direction) but the fact that people didn't really seem to care that i wasn't around. guess you just have to go out there and see them to really know. and it's just awesome to run into people you haven't seen in forever. haha, julie, carly, and i were going to call diana and give her shit about not coming down this weekend. tisk tisk D. sometimes you just don't realize how many people in your life you haven't seen or talked to until you actually see them in person. i literally ran into maybe 20 people i hadn't kept in touch with (outside my fraternity...if you count them, it's crazy). so wtf. i need to find balance. 'cause right now, my life is not. granted, the whole greek reunion thing had a lot to do with my whole sudden realization, but i think i really needed that. i was beginning to lose sight as to who i really am. and that's a big no no. my uncle john has played a big part in me staying in the fraternity too. i look to him for a lot of advice, and more often than not, his opinions really make or break whether i do certain things. hell, a huge part in me even rushing was just 'cause he thought it would be good for me. and it really really was. i get reminded of all the good times i've had...and the good friends i've made. plus it's useful after you graduate. if i had deactivated by now, i would've been so depressed after this weekend.
more specifically...
pam and i talked for the first time in a long time last night, which was nice. i sincerely miss that friendship we used to have...even if she thinks that whole new years thing was a pseudo-mistake. oh well. but nonetheless, it was nice to know she missed the friendship too...i think...i dunno, she was drunk and so was i. we'll see what happens. still have to get sushi, haha. erin and i have met up a couple times while we were out, which was nice considering she was one of the first people i met on campus here...and she's really cool. surprised we haven't hung out more since she lives across the street, but hey it's cool. when you gonna try and win your five bucks back in pool? oh what? haha. brenda called me up this weekend too...didn't know she came down, but we met up after a little while just to say hi which was cool 'cause she'd always been there when i was down. too bad we didn't get to chill more, but there's always the year. michelle came down for greek reunion too, which was unexpected...but we are cool now. we caught up over lunch and then, since apparently you can see my room from the beer garden at station, met up. sorta creepy, but it's cool. honestly, she was a big part of me distancing myself, but also a part in convincing me to stay. if it wasn't for her, i probably wouldn't have seen how much people in the house actually care. especially since she's friends with so many of the 07s. i appreciate that. j tang! geez, i haven't seen you in forever man...but it was classic. we have so much to catch up on, but just going out to the bars with you again was awesome...even though you were really messed. the crazy rain made it all the better, lol. crazy garbage bag ponchos.
i miss my baby. it seems like forever since i've seen her and it doesn't look like we'll be able to see each other until like school starts. i'll have to find a time to come up there. i promise. if anything, i need to give you back your straightener and brush right? haha. just talking to her makes me smile from ear to ear, sigh. despite everything that has happened, i'm still crazy about you honey. yeh won pans! so crazy in love. oh oh oh oh we oh we oh. muah.
okay...so that was earlier today. now it's 9:30 at night. onwards! so i've done virtually nothing today in (perhaps foolish) anticipation of my baby coming to surprise me here, but alas, when she said she couldn't come, she really couldn't this time. and really, you can't discount my inclination to complete and utter laziness. anyway, i just finished watching high fidelity...a great movie in my opinion. i'm not the biggest john cusack fan, but in that movie, i really liked his role...and just the whole "flow" of the movie. for those of you that haven't seen it, i would recommend it. it makes me think about things that have happened to me in the past, specifically relationships, and how much they have affected me. if i had to go back and list my top five worst break ups...i'd have to say this (in no order whatsoever):
1. michelle lira. i think this one would probably be the most obvious to everyone. on top of it all i ended it. by the end, it really just wasn't right...although it was, in my opinion at least, an awesome relationship. i will never discount the affect she had on me, nor would i want to lose her friendship. i put this on my list of 5 worst break ups simply because she has played that huge part in my life...and all of a sudden it was gone. took awhile to really let go. at least now we are friends again.
2. eriko nagao. well this was my first attempt at a relationship after michelle. what a bomb. i tried to be everything that i wasn't with michelle, in a good way, but it ended up backfiring on me because she was a bitch. i tried to give her everything and she ended up cheating on me countless times. go figure. the good part about it is that i learned that you can't be jealous all the time. so thanks for that. ho.
3. allison chin. we didn't go out for a long time, but what really sucked about the whole thing was that we were best friends before it. in eighth grade we were both going out with different people, but they were always busy with their own things, so we would always hang out and talk about anything really. i don't think i'd ever forget the time we went to dairy queen at like 11 at night and walked around our block talking...and our parents didn't really mind it. point is, we went out after her and tom broke up 'cause we thought something was still there, but there wasn't. in the end, i lost a really good friend.
4. jennifer herzog. speaking of weird, allison was actually the one that broke us up FOR me. when i actually didn't even want to. she actually called jen when i was talking to her about our problems at my house. and i really didn't stop her. the tough part about it was, i actually really did like her...and our subsequent relationship in college kind of reflected that whole open-ended thing. except now, since she is still ruled by her strict ass parents, we don't talk 'cause she got mad that i called at maybe 10:30 at night. that's what going to college around home does to you. you never grow up.
5. jessica wetmore. she was the first girl that i've ever asked out. previous to her, i was always the one being asked. with her i started to shed a lot of the shyness that many of you who read my blog are completely unfamiliar with, but if i hadn't done that, i probably wouldn't know many of you anyway. so thank God. but we did this whole go out freshman year...then we took a break...ended up going out again. i guess the hard part of it was that after she came back from vacation, where we talked so much about how much we missed each other, when we finally got to see each other, there really wasn't that much chemistry(?) i guess? kinda threw me for a loop. the next day it was over.
i think the whole movie is all about looking back to look forward really. seeing how the past has affected you to really go and see who you are, and what you want to do with where you are right now. it's not about being completely righteous and pursuing your dreams or whatever because hey, how many of our dreams really involve six figure salaries? at least mine don't. and because of that fact, i keep them as hobbies. it's just about really appreciating where you are BECAUSE of your past. and i can honestly say that i am really happy about where i am with nikki. i've learned a lot from my past and have applied them to my present. hell, even people i haven't necessarily been in official relationships with/things have just happened with have taught me quite a bit. and although nikki and i have had our problems, the only thing i want to do is be with her right now.
: July 12, 2004 1:31 PMi mean it's only been difficult after people trying to fuck with us and, yes, of course we have always had our problems...but so does everyone.
i'm certain enough that my feelings for her are very strong.
